Post by Dragon Yoshi on Jul 27, 2009 16:54:47 GMT -5
Ok thx i'lll fix that later
Chapter 14 “You idiot!” Sola yelled while whacking Luna across the face. “That’s what killed every on Crescent Moon Island.” “How was I supposed to know that?” Luna asked “We were never really told much about the virus,” Eclipse said. “You shut up!” Sola yelled “Make me!” Eclipse yelled back “Guys how about you both shut up because for all I know I might be dieing here!” Luna screamed in a nervous tone. “Well from what I know everyone who has had the virus died within the first week, and you’ve had it for three months so you should be ok, in theory,” Sola said whispering the last part of the sentence. “I guess that’s good news,” Luna said half heartedly with a look of despair on his face.
They all walked in silence as the moved towards the town. It was a short hike to the town from the coast. It was a fairly barren land with only a few trees. The grass was waist high off the path. The path was lined with angled stones cut and placed together with sand to fill in the cracks. At places grass was growing through the sand and in cracks in the stones. There were a few flowers growing in the fields off the path and birds flying over head. The town lay a mile down the path. It was there that they all stopped near a sign. The sign read *Quarantined* Do not pass beyond this point this area has been quarantined due to classified reasons. “Anyone else recognize this sign?” Luna said.
This is the last chapter I had pre-written so i'll have to write more
Post by Raging Rachel on Sept 24, 2009 1:59:24 GMT -5
So, here are my criticisms and observations. so whatever is wrong I point it out.
For Chapter One:
“A loud thud wakes a 13 year old boy the moon has just reached its peak and is beginning it’s decent down to the ground..” After boy either add a because or revise the sentence. It sounds like you are jamming two ideas together. It’s descent, for going down, and not decent. Decent is when you want to tell someone they are good but not too good.
Who exactly are these people? What are they like? Who is this creator? What was his motive? Why are they fighting over a boy/? Who is this villain? Explain the character’s background, as I barely know anything about them. Describe his family and tell us a bit about each of them.
For chapter Two: ” Luna began to shake every muscle in his body tensed up but still he never removed his hands.” You either have to add an and before tense or you might have to take tense up out altogether, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. “On its blade was second smaller blade, and spiraled up the Scythe was a snake like decal made purely of shadow energy.” Add an a before second and it’s spiraling
What is this green spiral? Why does it cause an earthquake and a storm? So why does this boy have a fever, shake, uncontrolled heart beat, trouble breatheing,make him scream, die, come back to life, and this type of reaction to a storm? Perhaps describe the storm? Why does the man not feel his cuts? Why does he freeze the man as glass?