Untiltled

Ezio
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The Sports Expert

Posts: 6,312

Untiltled Mar 13, 2009 18:22:59 GMT -5

Quote

Post by Ezio on Mar 13, 2009 18:22:59 GMT -5

Chapter 1

Bored. I tap endlessly on my paper trying to figure out what I want to write about. Yesterday I learned that my friend has a stalker, or something like that. Apparently some guy started talking to my friend when she doesn't even know him. He goes to our school. She said that he even called her. Probably got it from facebook.
I can't wait for the end of class. Yesterday I found this cave in my woods. My friends and I are going to explore it after school. Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock. I watch the clock hoping that it will speed up. The teacher is talking now. I don't even know what class I am in. Am I in math? The teacher's name is Mr. Ghottsmud. You pronounce it Got Mud? I feel my eyelids close as i drift off to slumberland.

Tht is the 1st Chapter. Hope u guys like it. Should the 2nd chapter b in the same poster? Should I double space it?

Plz R and R (read and review)

Ja Ne

Mongoose

Last Edit: Mar 27, 2009 23:47:46 GMT -5 by Ezio

Stay your blade from the flesh of an innocent.

Hide in plain sight, let the people mask you such that you become one with the crowd.

Never compromise the brotherhood.

Scarecrow Samurai Posts: 802	Untiltled Mar 14, 2009 0:29:45 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Scarecrow on Mar 14, 2009 0:29:45 GMT -5 I read it, it's a good start, but I feel it's a little... short. I like the style to it, although I hope it doesn't develop into a Hold Caulfield, Cather in the Rye type narrative. Hiss ADD narrations drove me insane.
	<-----Click here to check out my story! Currently finished with chapter 5!

Ezio Moderator The Sports Expert Posts: 6,312	Untiltled Mar 14, 2009 10:42:03 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ezio on Mar 14, 2009 10:42:03 GMT -5 who is he?? and wht is his style?
	Stay your blade from the flesh of an innocent. Hide in plain sight, let the people mask you such that you become one with the crowd. Never compromise the brotherhood.

Scarecrow
Samurai

Posts: 802

Untiltled Mar 14, 2009 13:13:53 GMT -5

Quote

Post by Scarecrow on Mar 14, 2009 13:13:53 GMT -5

every sentences he goes off to talk about some random, completely unrelated topic. I takes the book forever to do what any normal(and still good) book would do in about 5 pages.

Holden is the name of the character. I don't remember the authors name off-hand.

<-----Click here to check out my story! Currently finished with chapter 5!

Daniel Tak
Administrator

I am the boss ... well you know that.

Posts: 3,807

Untiltled Mar 14, 2009 14:45:47 GMT -5

Quote

Post by Daniel Tak on Mar 14, 2009 14:45:47 GMT -5

Just a little comment...on places like these, there isn't a tab fucntion so whenever you have paragraphs, double-click on enter.

Like this. (This way there is a space between every paragraph, making the passage easier to read.)

My comments to your story are smiliar to sirxwankery. It's a little short for a whole chapter, so consider doubling or tripling the size of what you currently have and consider that chapter 1. Your next chapter should go in a separate post, with each chapter having its own post. Also, the story seems to go off-topic a bit, as the first paragraph has little to do with the second. I like your writing style, though. Please write more. Also, add a title to the story.

Lastly, this story has been added to the directory thread.

Last Edit: Mar 14, 2009 14:53:51 GMT -5 by Daniel Tak

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Ezio Moderator The Sports Expert Posts: 6,312	Untiltled Mar 14, 2009 15:03:05 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ezio on Mar 14, 2009 15:03:05 GMT -5 well i was really bored and wrote this in english class
	Stay your blade from the flesh of an innocent. Hide in plain sight, let the people mask you such that you become one with the crowd. Never compromise the brotherhood.

Daniel Tak Administrator I am the boss ... well you know that. Posts: 3,807	Untiltled Mar 14, 2009 15:05:44 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Daniel Tak on Mar 14, 2009 15:05:44 GMT -5 You mean FOR English class, or DURING? My story that I posted here (I, Cyborg) was from my English class's assignment.
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Ezio Moderator The Sports Expert Posts: 6,312	Untiltled Mar 14, 2009 15:10:18 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ezio on Mar 14, 2009 15:10:18 GMT -5 well we had free write. so this chapter had some true things mixed in it. like how i was feeling in tht time.
	Stay your blade from the flesh of an innocent. Hide in plain sight, let the people mask you such that you become one with the crowd. Never compromise the brotherhood.

Daniel Tak Administrator I am the boss ... well you know that. Posts: 3,807	Untiltled Mar 14, 2009 15:15:23 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Daniel Tak on Mar 14, 2009 15:15:23 GMT -5 Oh, I see. I had plenty of freen time in my English class last year. Please continue the story, by the way.
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Post by Ezio on Mar 13, 2009 18:22:59 GMT -5

Post by Scarecrow on Mar 14, 2009 0:29:45 GMT -5

Post by Ezio on Mar 14, 2009 10:42:03 GMT -5

Post by Scarecrow on Mar 14, 2009 13:13:53 GMT -5

Post by Daniel Tak on Mar 14, 2009 14:45:47 GMT -5

Post by Ezio on Mar 14, 2009 15:03:05 GMT -5

Post by Daniel Tak on Mar 14, 2009 15:05:44 GMT -5

Post by Ezio on Mar 14, 2009 15:10:18 GMT -5

Post by Daniel Tak on Mar 14, 2009 15:15:23 GMT -5